Beneath Still Waters

I'm growing increasingly overwhelmed as I head into this next week. I've started a online masters program and I'm worried that I'm a) too far removed from being in school that I'm out of practice and b) that I'm in over my head. I have four ball games... Monday, Tuesday & Thursday nights. My assignment for the last week is due by Monday at midnight. On top of that I have 40 lesson plans due for the week, teaching full time & the other responsibilities & obligations that my students require. On top of that, there's so much going on in my head that its hard to pin everything down. So many thoughts from Sam and the sense of failure that I have with him. I still wish I could wring his neck for putting us through that. I wish that I had been here when he came by that last time. I wish that he felt that I had cared about him enough to be there and support him when he was in his darkest hour. I feel like, as his friend, I failed him. Its combined with the continual failure as Josh's friend ~ what crappy decisions I made so many years ago continue to haunt me. I know that I should let it go, but there's something in me that isn't geared to do so. I can't stop thinking about him - about what he's doing, about his friendship, about how I am not allowed to see my friends because of Meghan and her irrational hatred of me... why must people act like that? And, more importantly, why do I give a crap?

Then this thing with this boy... God, that probably works on my mind the most. So many thoughts & questions - the why's and wherefore's and what-the-hells... I can't get a read on him. I don't know what he's thinking. I know what he's thought in the past - all the way back ten years or so. But what he thinks now? I got nothing.

On the upside of things ~ Brandon comes home in February and I cannot wait to see him. Its been 2.5 years (it'll be 3 by the time he comes home) and we haven't ever gone without seeing each other for that long. I mean I know we're just friends, but he's one of my best friends. I miss him. I can't wait to see him. He'll be home for a little while & then off to his 2nd placement. Hopefully this time a little closer to home than in Japan.