I wish that I could be courageous and brave, like the characters in my stories.I wish that I didn't care so much about people I love being angry and upset with me, even to the point of apologizing and internalizing all of that fear at being abandoned by the people I love most.
I wish that I didn't expect people to walk out of my life as easily as they walked in and I wish that I didn't allow myself to feel hurt when it happens.
I wish that I was a better writer, able to express the thoughts and opinons of my characters onto paper and woven intricately into storylines.
I wish that I had learned at an early age to speak my mind instead of being afraid all of the time.
I wish that I had listened instead of ignored, thought instead of followed and valued the love of good people who I took for granted.
I wish that I were more engaging, social, active; that I didn't constantly internalize and analyze everything in my life.
I wish that I knew how to stand up for me, to say enough is enough, and to throw caution to the wind; to just be. I wish that I could see more of the world, to be on staff with ACMNP again, to look for joy in everything.
I wish that I was able to duel with words instead of quietly accepting whatever is said to me with grace and a quiet way.
I wish that I knew how to knit. I wish that I could say all that I really wanted to. I wish that I didn't automatically shrink into the back of a crowded room. I wish that I never grow tired of not being the center of attention.
I wish that people would forgive me for my mistakes; that I could accept my own failure; that I allowed people in easier. I wish that I never stop believing in unconditional love. I wish that my friends find happiness in all that they do.
I wish that it wasn't so easy to settle for what might be availible even when you know it isn't right. I wish that I wasn't easily duped; that I wasn't as naive, that I wasn't treated like a child.
I wish that it didn't bother me.
(work in progress ~B)
