"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5

Last night I spent a great amount of time on my knees and this morning this is the passage that God gave me.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18.

I am crushed in my spirit tonight. This week has been extremely rough; I've spent more nights in tears than I have in high spirits... the highlight of the week was Wedesday when I was able to spend some time worshiping God at church, but Wednesday was also one of the worst days. I know that I am not to worry about things that are beyond my control, but I can't help it.

And now this other issue at hand, which I don't really know how to fix. I'm not good at having patience when a person is upset with me... and I really don't do confrontation well, at all. I focus more on not blowing up, or saying the wrong thing and exacerbating the situation, and in this particular case, I was extremely worried about saying something I would later regret, and also saying something that would cause me to go on the defensive, which I would have automatically done if I felt like I was being accused of actions that I hadn't done.

I'm hurt, and my spirit is crushed. I tried to spend some time in the Psalms to alleviate some of this pain, but I can't focus and all I can think about is what I did or didn't say, what I could or couldn't say, and how to fix this whole situation without compromising what I believe in, and becoming the doormat I used to be. I never wanted to get to that phase again; where I was afraid to tell someone how I felt because I was even more afraid that they would abandon me as so many had before. I hate that I am a slave to that fear. Its so hard to forget though, the pain that comes with the abandonment, and sometimes I wish that I could adequately explain it so that he would understand why I am the way that I am, and most importantly that it would be clear that I am a person that is able to be trusted; that I would not do anything to hurt another human being especially not someone I cared so deeply about.

I'm afraid, also, of putting myself in a situation like I was before... of giving up so much of who I am that it took more than a year to put the pieces back together again. That it took so much more than just simply ending it... maybe I still haven't healed. Do we ever heal from a crushed spirit? I wish I knew. I wish that I was able to speak eloquently the thoughts of my mind without being so automatically defensive, and able to make him understand without yelling and angry words. Oh... how I wish that I knew how to defend myself with grace and dignity, rather than becoming so stupefied with mouth hung open, like a fish.

I pray that God gives me the wisdom to say the right things, that He will give me the words I will need. I pray that He gives me peace over fear, wisdom over temper, and the strength to not be afraid of saying what I feel.

"... He restoreth my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake; Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me..."

Radical

I'm reading this book called Radical by David Platt in a Discipleship University study through Valley First Baptist Church. Last week we were asked the question to write down 3 columns: 1) Where we saw ourselves in 5 years (by the way, I'll be 33...), 2) Where others saw us in 5 years and 3) where God wanted us to be in 5 years. The book itself is pretty convicting... in this week's chapter alone, there were several gut-wrenching passages...

Like, you are radically dependent on God to do something in your life that you could never do (p,32).

And... Accept him? Do we really think Jesus needs our acceptance? Don't we need him? (talking about taking the "infinitely glorious Son of God, who endured the infinitely terrible wrath of God and who now reigns as the infinitely worthy Lord of all, and we have reduced him to a poor, puny Savior who is just begging for us to accept him." (37).

Have we ever truly, authentically trusted in Christ for our salvation?

Have you?

Ever since I heard the news yesterday about Heath's murder, I keep having flashbacks to hearing about Carter's death, Kent's death, seeing Bubba on the floor of the Trading Post... so many young men, taken from this world. I was driving down the road yesterday to Charlie's house when I found out that Heath was dead... and appropriately enough, the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry came on... it goes something like this "if I die young, bury me in silence, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river, at night, send me away with the words of a love song..." and while the best memories I have of Heath are from long, long ago - I know that I always considered him a friend, even if it had been months since we had seen or talked. I remember two years ago, hearing him on 99.3, for the CMN telethon. My kids, at Veritas, donated some money to the telethon and two of them got to talk to Heath on air. He made such a big deal out of them - he was just that way; he made a big deal out of everybody... like, he was always happy to see everyone and just live. And the way he played music, man... I remember the first time I heard him at Flip Flops. It was way after Alpha Chi, and after college even, after Heath had come back from Texas... he played with such joy, and sang...

Anyway. My heart hurts for the Jackson family and my stomach aches from Heath's sensless death. And I can't help but pray for the man who killed him. I pray that he is found, and brought to justice, but I also pray that he finds his way to the Lord. I think thats what Heath would have wanted - not that I know that for sure - but Heath didn't strike me as the kind of guy to hold a grudge. Even against the man who murdered him. I think thats the ultimate forgiveness.

Heath's legacy will always live on - just look at how many people are posting memorials on his facebook page. You can tell alot about a man by the kind of memorial he leaves behind, and Heath was one of the better ones.

Rest in Peace, Heath. We will miss hearing your voice, watching you play... but I know that you are singing and playing the guitar for Jesus, and that you are experiencing the greatest reward.