"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18.
I am crushed in my spirit tonight. This week has been extremely rough; I've spent more nights in tears than I have in high spirits... the highlight of the week was Wedesday when I was able to spend some time worshiping God at church, but Wednesday was also one of the worst days. I know that I am not to worry about things that are beyond my control, but I can't help it.
And now this other issue at hand, which I don't really know how to fix. I'm not good at having patience when a person is upset with me... and I really don't do confrontation well, at all. I focus more on not blowing up, or saying the wrong thing and exacerbating the situation, and in this particular case, I was extremely worried about saying something I would later regret, and also saying something that would cause me to go on the defensive, which I would have automatically done if I felt like I was being accused of actions that I hadn't done.
I'm hurt, and my spirit is crushed. I tried to spend some time in the Psalms to alleviate some of this pain, but I can't focus and all I can think about is what I did or didn't say, what I could or couldn't say, and how to fix this whole situation without compromising what I believe in, and becoming the doormat I used to be. I never wanted to get to that phase again; where I was afraid to tell someone how I felt because I was even more afraid that they would abandon me as so many had before. I hate that I am a slave to that fear. Its so hard to forget though, the pain that comes with the abandonment, and sometimes I wish that I could adequately explain it so that he would understand why I am the way that I am, and most importantly that it would be clear that I am a person that is able to be trusted; that I would not do anything to hurt another human being especially not someone I cared so deeply about.
I'm afraid, also, of putting myself in a situation like I was before... of giving up so much of who I am that it took more than a year to put the pieces back together again. That it took so much more than just simply ending it... maybe I still haven't healed. Do we ever heal from a crushed spirit? I wish I knew. I wish that I was able to speak eloquently the thoughts of my mind without being so automatically defensive, and able to make him understand without yelling and angry words. Oh... how I wish that I knew how to defend myself with grace and dignity, rather than becoming so stupefied with mouth hung open, like a fish.
I pray that God gives me the wisdom to say the right things, that He will give me the words I will need. I pray that He gives me peace over fear, wisdom over temper, and the strength to not be afraid of saying what I feel.
"... He restoreth my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake; Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me..."
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