I hate being the center of attention. I prefer to watch and observe rather than jump into conversation. I’ve been told that makes me look like a snob, but really, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I love everyone, and I think that I have a lot of patience to deal with just about anything that comes my way. I try not to get mad. I think this is because I don’t like confrontation, but it’s mostly because I don’t like having anyone upset with me. Rarely is my true temper shown, but when it is… wow, watch out. I’ve been told that in a rare anger-inspired moment, I had to be held back from whatever beat-down I was aiming for.
I believe in love; in its power, in its simplicity, in its pain. I’ve guarded my heart well, too, except for a few cases with some who deserved, some who I thought did, and others who I look back and think, “what was I thinking?” I’m not afraid of getting hurt by the people I love – that’s how I know its real, because I’m not afraid of the possibility of what could happen. Recently I told someone that I didn’t believe in being afraid of getting my heart broken, to fall in love and be destroyed when that love isn’t returned, or when a person is broken by another… because I’m a strong, tough girl… and my heart will be stitched back into an organ that’s tougher and bigger than before. I have a lot of love to give – with my students, with my family, with my beautiful, wonderful friends, and with those men who I’ve allowed into my life in a romantic fashion – and I won’t allow the Devil to use fear to twist and torture me. Fear is the absence of courage and love, at the very heart of it, is courage.
I try not to have regrets. I don’t want to look back on my life in twenty years and think, what a mistake I made, or I regret doing that. I do have one: treating Josh the way I did was a mistake and something I regret every time my friends from high school get together. Even though I’ve forgiven myself, it’s still something I learn from and I try to use that mistake to teach others that every word you say to another person can’t be taken back. Its just out there for the world and no matter how many times you apologize or beg, or cry… sometimes a person’s heart isn’t able to forgive you. No matter how many years have passed. (At my last count, it’s been 7 since I said ugly and hateful things to the first love of my childhood life and 5 since I last saw him, spoke to him).
Every decision, every person, every “mistake” is a part of the path and journey that my life must take. Even in parallel dating situations, I’ve tried to learn from them and not repeat the same mistakes, even when the two closely follow each other, even in their endings. I can name on one hand the number of boys… men… who I’ve given my heart to. Some days I wish that I hadn’t, because when the right guy comes along I’m afraid that the giving of my heart, of me, won’t be enough because of the few who have come before him. That’s the God’s honest truth. I used to think that I jumped from guy to guy easily… that’s not exactly true. I appreciate what God put on this Earth, but I think when it’s the right guy – maybe Mr. Right Now? – that God blesses me by allowing me to love so much and continue to love, even after I’ve been hurt.
Rejection hurts, that’s the truth of it. As someone pointed out to me recently, I’ve rejected a few people in my life. I’m not proud of that, but found that it was necessary because of the personal effect they had on me (usually because a person was toxic in their behavior – I’ve never ditched someone because they weren’t “fun” enough, or because I wanted to do other things that they didn’t agree with. Had that happen to me in high school and it was one of the most devastating losses of my life.). When it boils down to it, my family and a few, very select friends are the only people who have never walked away from me. Incidentally, they’re also the ones who’ve never said that they wouldn’t. Why is that? Certain so-called “friends”, every boy who I’ve dated has made promises to not walk away, even if we stopped dating and yet, they still have. So I’m a little scared, at first, to get close to someone, because everyone who ever said “I’ll be there”, left. That goes the same for me. But I’d like to think that those guys who I walked away from, know that if they ever needed anything, all they had to do was ask. It goes the same for those who walked away from me.
I know that God is preparing the heart of the most perfect man, and that it might be someone I've already met, someone who has crossed my path briefly and ever so momentarily, or someone that has yet to come into my life. I know that He is doing this, because it is His promise to me. And although I'm secure enough in my relationship with my God to question him sometimes... sometimes quietly, sometimes loud, most often on the floor of my bathroom, I know that at the heart of everything He is in control. He has blessed me with so many wonderful gifts, that I have no doubt He will continue to bless me as long as I keep the vows and promises and continue to walk the path that He ordained for me. I know that I'm a living, breathing example of Christ's love, and I have that to share with the world.
No matter where He takes me, from the depths of the Grand Canyon, to the foothills of Africa, God is in control of my life, and He will take care of me, through anything.
~B
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