Ever since I heard the news yesterday about Heath's murder, I keep having flashbacks to hearing about Carter's death, Kent's death, seeing Bubba on the floor of the Trading Post... so many young men, taken from this world. I was driving down the road yesterday to Charlie's house when I found out that Heath was dead... and appropriately enough, the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry came on... it goes something like this "if I die young, bury me in silence, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river, at night, send me away with the words of a love song..." and while the best memories I have of Heath are from long, long ago - I know that I always considered him a friend, even if it had been months since we had seen or talked. I remember two years ago, hearing him on 99.3, for the CMN telethon. My kids, at Veritas, donated some money to the telethon and two of them got to talk to Heath on air. He made such a big deal out of them - he was just that way; he made a big deal out of everybody... like, he was always happy to see everyone and just live. And the way he played music, man... I remember the first time I heard him at Flip Flops. It was way after Alpha Chi, and after college even, after Heath had come back from Texas... he played with such joy, and sang...

Anyway. My heart hurts for the Jackson family and my stomach aches from Heath's sensless death. And I can't help but pray for the man who killed him. I pray that he is found, and brought to justice, but I also pray that he finds his way to the Lord. I think thats what Heath would have wanted - not that I know that for sure - but Heath didn't strike me as the kind of guy to hold a grudge. Even against the man who murdered him. I think thats the ultimate forgiveness.

Heath's legacy will always live on - just look at how many people are posting memorials on his facebook page. You can tell alot about a man by the kind of memorial he leaves behind, and Heath was one of the better ones.

Rest in Peace, Heath. We will miss hearing your voice, watching you play... but I know that you are singing and playing the guitar for Jesus, and that you are experiencing the greatest reward.

I had the opportunity to travel this weekend, to simply get away from my life here in Phenix City, and go visit some wonderfully dear friends in Pennsylvania. I haven't seen Bruce & Emilie since they visited Augusta in February, but prior to that visit, it had been more than 2 years since I saw them last, and it was really nice to be able to visit with them for their daughter, Isabelle's first birthday. What a joy it was to me to be able to see my sister from the Grand Canyon and her husband with their daughter, and be able to share in that time with them. Charlie joined me on the trip, which was a new experience for me, in that it was the first time I had brought anyone to meet Bruce & Emilie and also first time traveling with the boyfriend. That was interesting, because when it comes to waiting and security and airplanes, I think I'm very patient. Charlie, is not. But thats not the point. I was so excited to see Emilie & Bruce and baby Isabelle. She's a toddler now - I can hardly believe it, and I found myself thinking back to that summer we spent five years ago serving God in the Grand Canyon. What an experience we had - what a summer. It just reminds me of how BIG God is, and how small we really are in comparison. God, in His infinate wisdom, put Emilie and myself together for a brief moment in time, and yet, as the years pass, we remain in touch, remain friends... remain family really. We were a part of each other's lives every day that we can't help but be family. The visit was, as always, too short, before Charlie & I were off to Columbus, Ohio to visit his mom, step-dad, and brothers. I'd never been to Ohio before, and it was prettier than I thought it would be. I'm always suprised at how God laid out this land before us, and how different He made all of the world be - from England and Ireland to the northernmost part of the US (Acadia National Park in Maine). I've always thought the west was one of the most beautiful parts of the US, but now I think I've just realized that the whole of the United States is beautiful - because each part is so different. New York & its skyscrapers, Florida/Alabama beaches - green, green trees, the rolling hills in the Ohio Valley... anyway, I didn't mean to wax poetic on that. I had a really awesome time with Charlie and his family. It was another first for me - flying somewhere to visit the boyfriend's family, but it was a really nice experience overall.

Can't wait to go on my next trip - hopefully back to the Grand Canyon in October. No matter how many times I go there, I never get tired of seeing its depths, or feasting my eyes on the splendor of its beauty.

-b.

Isabelle & Uncle Jeremy (aka DJ)

me & Charlie

Isabelle, 1 yr

Feel better about biology, thanks to Josh & Dee Dee...

taught 4 classes in 3 blocks today.... yikes.

... just been one of those days. hopefully sleep.

I feel extremely blessed today.

One of my closest and longest friends officially came on board as the math teacher at my school. I'm so proud and blessed to have him as a part of our team. We went through student teaching together, and I always felt like he would have been a great math teacher. He has the ability to make math fun, which I always found difficult, and I heard my students laughing today... during math class. It made this girl smile, and I'm beyond grateful for Robert stepping up to the plate.

My sister was supposed to teach Spanish for me, but due to scheduling conflicts and a last minute class addition to her senior schedule at Auburn, she had to withdraw - totally understandable, and not her fault at all. Anyway, so I was really stressing having to teach Spanish, Biology, English - all in the same hour.

Anyway, thankfully, Samatha Lawhon, a girl who was in one of my 11th grade classes at Shaw when I was student teaching, has agreed to come on board to teach Spanish. She is a 3rd year Spanish student at Columbus State, and I'm thankful to have her on our team!

I tried to take a nap today, after church. I went to church this morning in Valley, as has become my usual habit since Charlie came into my life. I really enjoy Valley First, the people, the young pastor, the messages. They seem to be hitting home, especially right now in the midst of so much change going on in my life. Today's message was especially apt, I thought, because it centered on finding God's calling in your life, how we are created maybe for just one person to know God - like how Esther's purpose was to deliever Israel in the midst of their destruction by Haaman (sp?).

I really like that. I like to think that there's one or two kids that might come to Christ through me, and that those one or two believers will start an army of Warriors for God. I also especially like the idea of going "all in" for God - laying everything out there on the line.

Without being too "look at me" - in a brief, nanosecond way, I think that is what I have done with Trinity. We've opened up an avenue for young men and women to fight for Christ, to serve Christ and to love each other in a setting that is valuable and missing in today's world. I don't push Christianity down their throats - none of them do, really, but they just exhude love. I think that a "Christian education" is so often not about Christianity, and loving people, but shoving, pushing, pulling someone to accept Christ. That isn't the way to go about doing things; because if its forced, or pushed, or shoved... then their acceptance isn't real. They won't change, because it wasn't their decision.

Anyway, thats a soapbox, and not at all what I was aiming for blogging about... so here's what my intentions really were:

I went to lay down after Church and had some pretty horrific nightmares. Ones that involved death, demons, ghosts and generally just things that weren't of this world. As I was laying there, between sleep and awake, in that dreamy haze where you aren't fully aware of anything, I felt like I was being attacked by Satan. No lie. I had the thought that these dreams were Satan trying to scare me, ruin me, make me afraid. I've always been a believer in that the more hearts and souls you win for Christ, the madder that Satan gets, the more he tries to play tricks on you and to frighten you. So I think that I must be doing a pretty good thing, because Satan has been hitting me hard lately, with doubts, with fears, even with death.

And so I rebuke thee, Satan. In the name of My Father and Lord of Lords, because guess what? He won't beat me, because MY path has been created long before I ever was, by my God and Savior. Get off my back, Lucifer. You are nothing to me.

My battle's already been won by the sacrifice of the blood of the lamb.

Time with Brooke...

I hate being the center of attention. I prefer to watch and observe rather than jump into conversation. I’ve been told that makes me look like a snob, but really, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I love everyone, and I think that I have a lot of patience to deal with just about anything that comes my way. I try not to get mad. I think this is because I don’t like confrontation, but it’s mostly because I don’t like having anyone upset with me. Rarely is my true temper shown, but when it is… wow, watch out. I’ve been told that in a rare anger-inspired moment, I had to be held back from whatever beat-down I was aiming for.

I believe in love; in its power, in its simplicity, in its pain. I’ve guarded my heart well, too, except for a few cases with some who deserved, some who I thought did, and others who I look back and think, “what was I thinking?” I’m not afraid of getting hurt by the people I love – that’s how I know its real, because I’m not afraid of the possibility of what could happen. Recently I told someone that I didn’t believe in being afraid of getting my heart broken, to fall in love and be destroyed when that love isn’t returned, or when a person is broken by another… because I’m a strong, tough girl… and my heart will be stitched back into an organ that’s tougher and bigger than before. I have a lot of love to give – with my students, with my family, with my beautiful, wonderful friends, and with those men who I’ve allowed into my life in a romantic fashion – and I won’t allow the Devil to use fear to twist and torture me. Fear is the absence of courage and love, at the very heart of it, is courage.

I try not to have regrets. I don’t want to look back on my life in twenty years and think, what a mistake I made, or I regret doing that. I do have one: treating Josh the way I did was a mistake and something I regret every time my friends from high school get together. Even though I’ve forgiven myself, it’s still something I learn from and I try to use that mistake to teach others that every word you say to another person can’t be taken back. Its just out there for the world and no matter how many times you apologize or beg, or cry… sometimes a person’s heart isn’t able to forgive you. No matter how many years have passed. (At my last count, it’s been 7 since I said ugly and hateful things to the first love of my childhood life and 5 since I last saw him, spoke to him).

Every decision, every person, every “mistake” is a part of the path and journey that my life must take. Even in parallel dating situations, I’ve tried to learn from them and not repeat the same mistakes, even when the two closely follow each other, even in their endings. I can name on one hand the number of boys… men… who I’ve given my heart to. Some days I wish that I hadn’t, because when the right guy comes along I’m afraid that the giving of my heart, of me, won’t be enough because of the few who have come before him. That’s the God’s honest truth. I used to think that I jumped from guy to guy easily… that’s not exactly true. I appreciate what God put on this Earth, but I think when it’s the right guy – maybe Mr. Right Now? – that God blesses me by allowing me to love so much and continue to love, even after I’ve been hurt.

Rejection hurts, that’s the truth of it. As someone pointed out to me recently, I’ve rejected a few people in my life. I’m not proud of that, but found that it was necessary because of the personal effect they had on me (usually because a person was toxic in their behavior – I’ve never ditched someone because they weren’t “fun” enough, or because I wanted to do other things that they didn’t agree with. Had that happen to me in high school and it was one of the most devastating losses of my life.). When it boils down to it, my family and a few, very select friends are the only people who have never walked away from me. Incidentally, they’re also the ones who’ve never said that they wouldn’t. Why is that? Certain so-called “friends”, every boy who I’ve dated has made promises to not walk away, even if we stopped dating and yet, they still have. So I’m a little scared, at first, to get close to someone, because everyone who ever said “I’ll be there”, left. That goes the same for me. But I’d like to think that those guys who I walked away from, know that if they ever needed anything, all they had to do was ask. It goes the same for those who walked away from me.

I know that God is preparing the heart of the most perfect man, and that it might be someone I've already met, someone who has crossed my path briefly and ever so momentarily, or someone that has yet to come into my life. I know that He is doing this, because it is His promise to me. And although I'm secure enough in my relationship with my God to question him sometimes... sometimes quietly, sometimes loud, most often on the floor of my bathroom, I know that at the heart of everything He is in control. He has blessed me with so many wonderful gifts, that I have no doubt He will continue to bless me as long as I keep the vows and promises and continue to walk the path that He ordained for me. I know that I'm a living, breathing example of Christ's love, and I have that to share with the world.

No matter where He takes me, from the depths of the Grand Canyon, to the foothills of Africa, God is in control of my life, and He will take care of me, through anything.

~B

~ Time of your life ~

For the Veritas kids...

03.15.10

I teach at a private Classical Christian school, founded on the principles of Jesus Christ and Christianity. I teach English to thirty some odd kids who come from every kind of walk of life imaginable. They’re young, impressionable, and yet, so very old at the same time. Borne from alcoholic parents, former gang members, and delivered from the evils of this world; daughters and sons of every kind of parent imaginable, these children come to us – myself and my colleagues – and they beg with their eyes for mercy, grace and love. And we dole it out, in words, and in prayers, in advice and scripture, hoping against hope that something gets through to them, something that will sink in about the love of God and the sacrifice of His Son for them. We guide them, and show them through actions the love and grace of God. We pray with them and for them, when they don’t know how, introduce them to the Bible and scripture and the holy words of Jesus. We give them compassion, where there is none, grace when it is needed and an endless supply of love – even in punishment.

I have been charged with one of the greatest responsibilities given to any human: teaching and inspiring the youth of America, filling their minds and hearts with, not only a love for literature but thoughts and advice for life. My job isn’t a “job” – every day is something different, something new. And I love it. But, I have a double responsibility. Not only am I in charge of the education of some of the youth of this country, but I also am blessed to be at the beginning of their Christian journey. I don’t have to be at the end of it… just having a part in their beginning is enough.

What’s more, is that I am blessed to be a part of a family. The Veritas family is special, unique and only a little bit dysfunctional as most families are. There are teachers, and an administrator, students and parents, but what’s more than within the walls of our school, is that we love each other, we care about each other. When one of us hurts, we all do, both students and teachers alike. We pray for each other – daily, hourly, minute by minute, to strengthen each other. And, I’ve seen first hand how God is moving in a powerful way through the hearts and minds of these 115 students.

We give them love, and teach them about more than Shakespeare and poetry and novels, more than mathematical equations and historical facts. We teach them how to love each other, how to respect each other, even when they may not agree. We help to form and mold strong warriors for God, to be sent into the world and do mighty things in His name.

We have high expectations, and our students rise to meet them, every day, from solving a word problem, to completing an essay on responsibility, these individuals from every possible walk of life are the heart and soul of our school. From the smallest kindergartener to the biggest “big kid” (our 10th graders) they rise to the occasion, meeting us step for step, matching excellence for excellence.

There is a song, written by Steven Curtis Chapman, called “When Love Takes You In.” He wrote it for the children who were not born to his wife biologically. It says: when love takes you in, everything changes. In a world that teaches hatred and disgust among community leaders and people of this world, this school… this place… teaches love. Above all, above everything else, the love of Christ is exemplified in the walls of this school, of Veritas Academy and of its members. As Christians we have been called by a higher power to share the word of God with everyone – regardless of race, origin, homeless or the wealthiest man in America. The children are no different. Regardless of whether they come from the poorest of poor, to Midas of the wealthy, we teach love. And it shows in their faces, in their compassion towards others, in their love for each other. They get it. Our purpose is great and our path prepared mightily long before we came together – for God has put us all in this place, in this time. Who knows what kind of impact these 100+ students will have on the world?

I don’t have to be there to see their end. I don’t have to know where they go in their lives or what they do – but I am a part of something special, and unique. I get to see their beginning in their walk with God. I am blessed to be able to see their eyes open with wonder and excitement the first time they share their testimony; hear their voices rise in song, praising God, see them show love and mercy to each other. This is what Veritas is about… this is what makes us different from other public and private schools. We raise up the children of God to be strong warriors in a world that is rapidly losing its Christian values. As in all families, members come and go, branch off and create their own family. As my time at Veritas is drawing to a close, I realize that even though many of us are going our separate ways, that the Veritas family will always be that: a family. And that families never break up; everyone always have a piece of each other. And while I will miss those who go away, those who will only be memories in my mind, photographs of time frozen forever, I know that I will carry them with me, always.

And now that 9 of those Veritas kids have become Trinity kids, the family continues, moves on, transitions into something new, something fresh, but still with that same type of familial atmosphere, that same joyous reunion when they saw each other (whether for the first time in three months, or the first time in three days) remains the same: they love each other. In their struggles, in their teasing, in their time away, they have realized how much they love and care for one another. And no matter where they go, or what they do, these 9 kids will always remember Veritas, and now Trinity and that they were a part of something incredibly special.

(c) J. Brooke Bowden, 2010